concentrate

I've started this blog never with an intention to let anyone that I know to found out about it (read: anonymous). I think it was my cousin inden who found out about my blog first. and I tell you it gave me some sugar rush! She was like kept pestering me to update and I was like what update? sigh.

Anonymity fail T___T

It was tad embarrassing cause when I started out I was me, full throttle.

I was troubled, depressed and had no one to turn to when I realize letting myself and my thoughts run loose in this blog allowed me to loosen up a bit it became one of my medium for me to channel out my emotion(and it still is).

My family, friends and the boyfriend, Its not that they're not around when I need them it's just that writing what I feel is so much more easier than talking about what I feel. How do people do it anyway, talk to a friend, cry their heart out? I always choke before I manage to do it. It's just felt so wrong, exposing myself like that. I rather keep everything inside me and then just shrug it off, just like that.

You see, I tend to let people see what they want to see in me cause I think I grew up learning/thinking that's the correct way of doing it. I'm a people-pleaser of some sort I suppose. Or I'm just emotionally constipated wtf.

Ok seriously no jokes.

I care too much about what people might think of me, of how they'll probably be hurt if I do the thing I want to do. I know, I know I shouldn't care about what people think about me. I should just be myself blablabla all that shit. Its not that I didn't try. I did try to change it sometimes, I try not to follow what my mind told me to do and start to think what would Connie do? How it gave me such sense of pride when I was able to fight the feeling.

However, sometimes it's hard to find me inside me. And when I'm just too tired to answer the question I would just follow what my mindset told me to. Cause it is hassle free that way.