almost 2

it has been that long and yet here i am looking through your pictures and still manage to cry my eyes out.

i forgot about it sometimes, but when i don't, the pain still have the same intensity as it always been.

time may heal in some cases. unfortunately in this case, it does not.

if you're here, still, i swear i'll smack you hard in the head for doing this to me.


i still miss you, miss you dearly kid.

3am

Trying not to describe you in past tense.

Trying not to forget you.

Trying not to miss you so much.

Trying not to be sad.

"Hey now, hey now
Don't dream it's over
Hey now, hey now
When the world comes in
They come, they come
To build a wall between us
We know they won't win."

Don't Dream It's Over - Crowded House

Trying to find that piece of childhood memories that we spend together.

Trying to make sense of this present.

Trying to fix all(almost) that was broken.

Trying to be happy. Just happy.

I wish you are here. Still. CNY is not the same without you. 

I thought this is easy. I guess I'm wrong.

Everybody misses you. 

I miss you kid.

MMWE

Mr. Magorium: When King Lear dies in Act V, do you know what Shakespeare has written? He's written "He dies." That's all, nothing more. No fanfare, no metaphor, no brilliant final words. The culmination of the most influential work of dramatic literature is "He dies." It takes Shakespeare, a genius, to come up with "He dies." And yet every time I read those two words, I find myself overwhelmed with dysphoria. And I know it's only natural to be sad, but not because of the words "He dies." but because of the life we saw prior to the words.

Mr. Magorium: I've lived all five of my acts, Mahoney, and I am not asking you to be happy that I must go. I'm only asking that you turn the page, continue reading... and let the next story begin. And if anyone asks what became of me, you relate my life in all its wonder, and end it with a simple and modest "He died."

Molly Mahoney: I love you.

Mr. Magorium: I love you, too.

Mr. Magorium: Your life is an occasion. Rise to it

Mr. Magorium in Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium.

Cause sometimes you just need somebody to remind you.

 

...

Gosh. I miss you.

Moirae

Dry your eyes, dry your eyes.

Letting you go is not done with an ease,

maybe, just may it be that the white light offer you peace.

You are not mine to belong now.

As you're gone now. To that one way road.

Gone.

Destiny is just a twisted fairy tale waiting to unfold.
Fate played a fool on us.

Hope is just unreliable.

And though He had the power to resist the sisters,

Zeus just stood there silently letting them run the show. 
As the thread has been spun and measured.

It took just a snipped of that thread of life.

And just like that things went wrong.

Teaching us the hard way that picture perfect is a lie. Nonexistence.

Showing us all that of what we thought was strong is in fact all frail and fragile.
As though mocking our naivety.

But,

just this once, just this one last time

lets play pretend that everything is like before.

Pretend that you were here once more.

Where everything was picture perfect, unharmable, untouchable.

Invincible.

Just this once lets pretend.

Missing you is no task.

Like breathing it is subconsciously done without fail.

The memory of you, memory with you is what kept me from sinking.

Though pain still threaten to hurt me,

just hold on, hold on.

There's this whisper I'd heard,
telling me that life may be hard at some time.

But take a breath, take a breath and take it easy for once.

And if you fall apart just hold on. Do hold on.

Let me dry your eyes now, dry your eyes.

Bright Feathers Bird.

"I have to remind myself that some birds aren't meant to be caged.


Their feathers are just too bright and when they fly away, the part of you that knows it was a sin to lock them up does rejoice, but still, the place you live in is that much more drab and empty that they're gone.


I guess I just miss my friend."

The Shawshank Redemption

Birth.

Happy Birthday baby bro.

If you're still here, 

Your friends are gonna throw you an awesome surprise birthday party, they probably do some naughty prank to the birthday boy. We'll be making that obligatory phone call to wish you a happy birthday by the stroke of midnight (fine, I just hate to let you know that I've been waiting for the moment to wish you) and you would start asking us for presents (note the 's'), birthday wishes will start to flood your phone inbox, you'll be having the time of your life with your new friends at a new place.

If you are still here to experience life as you're suppose to, I know you would love it.

IF.

How I wish you had that moment. 

But I guess celebrating it anywhere is the same right? I am sure Grandpa and our Grandmas are celebrating it with you up there. 

Happy 19th Birthday kid. I'll eat your portion of the cake for you. =)

The light

Be strong.

inconsolable

I hate this feeling I'm having now.

I can't make the heartache go away.

Why can't life exist sans brokenheartedness?

Why can't life demise without the grief and sorrow?

Without you, I am still adapting.

30

It's been that long.

I miss you.

baby step to recovery

"when you love something you tell, you share, and when it's time you let go."

I wanted to tell God that He made a mistake. And how I wish that He could take back and undone everything. I wish. But life is not some unfinished movie that you can edit and redo just because you don't like how it goes. It doesn't work like that. Things run in an unpredictable course that was fixed for us by Him. No matter what you do you can't deviate from it. You have no test run, no second chance. Regardless of your stature, rank, race, religion, gender it is all the same.

I wanted so badly to believe that you're still around.

That somehow you are still at school learning the course that you just learn to LOVE and enjoy the reaction of your friends face when you fool them with your card tricks. Remember last time when I used to help you put on the tinie-tiny rubber band on your prop coin? And how we get so frustrated when it broke the last invincible band and we had to use the pink one? Haha.. I say you'll never get away with it, but soon after we finish with it you show me how you make the kids drop their jaws watching your coin biting trick. Show off. By the way, are you fooling kong-kong, nenek and ah mah there now too? Is nenek follows you around asking you to show her more tricks now? I bet she did cos she's so cute like that.

You know what? Your in my dream. And I like it.

Dreams that when I woke up make me smiles cos it reminds me all those happy times that we've spent together. Your toothy smile. For a moment I forgot about the emptiness you left us here and I feel you. I wanted to believe it so much that its you that had been comforting me. And it is you using your way of telling me that you're happy there. I hope you do. I believe you are.

I am not gonna mourn for you anymore. Cause I don't wanna hold you back.
I am gonna let you go cause I love you so.

But I'm not strong enough to hold my tears(yet) so expect a snotty official farewell, physically. Always know that you'll be in my heart LIVING ON. I promise I'll be stronger so that instead of weeping at your lost I WILL CELEBRATE YOUR LIFE.

Jack of Spade

if you can read this

i hate that you make me awake in the middle of the night.
i hate that you make me cry whenever i thought of you.
i hate that this tear wont listen to my command and instead of stopping it kept on pouring like a leaking tap broken, unfixable.

i hate the fact that i dont spend enough time talking, teasing, playing with you.
i hate that i dont have chance to say i love you enough to make up all the times that we spend arguing with each other.
i hate that i dont have the chance to say sorry for all the times that i make you angry or sad.

i hate that i only know a fraction of you even though we grew up together.
i hate the fact that you're no longer here with us.
i hate the fact that i am not strong enough to accept this fact, and that i am still here hurting.
i hate that now that you're gone i can only see you through pictures, videos and memories that'll fade.
i hate that i can still hear your laughter, your voice at the back of my head.

i hate that i dont hug you tight on the day i last saw you at the airport.
i hate that i dont have that last goodbye, that last hug, that last touch.
i hate that you make me miss you so much, your tricks, your goofiness, you.
i hate that i love you too much i dont realize it to appreciate it.

regardless, i hope that you know that you're always be my my baby brother. and that,

I LOVE YOU.