marbles

this might be my last long holiday that i can truly enjoy before hell started fifth year comes and at a blink of an eye i'll be at my first posting as an HO hyperventilating in the closet.

i think i might have been too naive when i said this holiday are to be enjoyed. for once, i will have to spend the first 3weeks if not more of my holiday rotting away at college practically with nothing to do other than repeating the mindless daily routines of eating, sleeping and be bored to death from doing nothing.

interestingly, due to my intense boredom i did attempted several time to do a much needed revision. but can't make myself to commit fully. i mean why should i? i've worked my ass off to earn this holiday. why should i make myself jump back to the books as soon as the exam finished?

then it hit me, well sadie (my housemate which i adore so much with love) hit me - not in the literal sense of course but still, it gave out a loud pang; she ask a basic question from my third year and i stuttered. and to think  it is something i had taught her previously!!

i believe i might be over reacting, if i say i had an anxiety attack there and then when my mind went blank and i failed to answer her. and to think that i am not the one who will be having her professional exam the next day! and for f--k sake i'm on holiday, there is no reason for me to panic!

but i did panic, but i think i manage to maintain my composure.

i think.

f--k.

come to think about it,i don't think i am panicking because i can't answer her, it might be more because i am embarrassed cause you know i did taught her that once before, but to be fair it's been awhile since i revised it, i'm panicking because i'm imagining myself being on her shoes in the future still trying to remember/understand the most basic theory the day before the big exam.

i'm psyching myself isn't it? i'm the worst.

and to think the bf who is currently on his study week prepping for his final hurdle in medical school concurred confirms it, i have lost my marbles that my anxiety attack is not baseless.

first step to the 2013 red robe: know your own strength and admit your weakness.

i guess now it is time to face it and work at it.

so connie, goodbye holiday? i hate my brain sometimes.

T________________T

that 2013 red robe.

after all these years of sleepless nights, i finally made it. it took me awhile but i did reach the beginning of the end. yours truly is officially a final year medical student *throws confetti* !!

to more sleepless nights to come and all the ugliness that comes with it.

but first, the much earn HOLIDAY!