if you can read this

i hate that you make me awake in the middle of the night.
i hate that you make me cry whenever i thought of you.
i hate that this tear wont listen to my command and instead of stopping it kept on pouring like a leaking tap broken, unfixable.

i hate the fact that i dont spend enough time talking, teasing, playing with you.
i hate that i dont have chance to say i love you enough to make up all the times that we spend arguing with each other.
i hate that i dont have the chance to say sorry for all the times that i make you angry or sad.

i hate that i only know a fraction of you even though we grew up together.
i hate the fact that you're no longer here with us.
i hate the fact that i am not strong enough to accept this fact, and that i am still here hurting.
i hate that now that you're gone i can only see you through pictures, videos and memories that'll fade.
i hate that i can still hear your laughter, your voice at the back of my head.

i hate that i dont hug you tight on the day i last saw you at the airport.
i hate that i dont have that last goodbye, that last hug, that last touch.
i hate that you make me miss you so much, your tricks, your goofiness, you.
i hate that i love you too much i dont realize it to appreciate it.

regardless, i hope that you know that you're always be my my baby brother. and that,

I LOVE YOU.

One of these days you’ll be
under the covers you’ll be
under the table and you’ll realize
all of your days are numbered;
all of them one to one hundred.
All of them millions.
All of them trillions.
So what are you gonna do with them all?
You can not trade them in for mall.

Take every moment; you know that you own them.
It’s all you can do, use what’s been given to you.

Give me a reason
to fight the feeling
that there’s nothing here for me.
Cause none of its easy,
I know it wasn’t meant to be.
I know it’s all up to me.
So what am I gonna do with my time?

I'll take every moment, I know that I own them.
It’s all up to you to do whatever you choose.

Live like you’re dying and never stop trying.
It’s all you can do, use what’s been given to you.

All of the moments you didn’t notice;
gone in the blink of an eye.
All of the feelings you couldn’t feel
no matter how you try.

Live Like You're Dying-Lenka

premature monday's blue

It Sunday people. This means the end of my favorite time of the week-the weekend. Gosh all this 8-7 lectures is not doing me any good at all. In the midst of trying to catch up with homework, studies, socializing (damn you FB *showing ma middle finger*), and kept reminding myself that i need to take something nutritious other than my RedBull, bread and Vono quick fix all this hecticness is pulling me slowly in a downward spiral.

Why did everythings had to come at one week. The convo clinical booth, dog-a-thon(which i really wanna go!), stupid last minute convo performance thingy, facing the strictest clinical mentor for the first time, the pressure of making a positive first impression, worrying not to screw up in front of her, two PBL, covering TWO modules for next week ASSessment which would contribute 20% for the final exam! and staying alive after all that. fml.

All this gave me De Javu. I don't need anybody to remind me about that cause it haunts me daily. Just because I came out strong doesn't meant I'm invincible.

Note to self: Study, eat, Ramones, Coldplay, oh and sleep.